System

John and I chatted for long. Very enjoyable conversation - which leads me to this entry.

When I was young, I had to climb up the social ladder step by step. There was no one to teach me how. I just had to do it - step by step. It was hard, tough and full of obstacles along the way. My father didn't know anything about the business world, or the reality that he lived in. In fact, there are many out there who simply walk on the great conveying belt, living in a passive way. Day in day out. Taking whatever the society feeds them with, and giving whatever the society ask them to give. No questioning was asked or, allowed, except the occaiconal articulation in the tabloid news. Those who could write can do so in newspaper columns or books that seldom get published or read by the public because of lack of marketing means.

It was much later that I was shared with this reality - that there is a system out there. My accountant friend told me what the real world is all about. It is about politics, business and the various social classes all knitted together, working under one system. All is governed by one big system that protects, sustains and provides. As a local lawyer working for a small local firm, you fall outside the system. No protection is afforded to you, nothing is provided to sustain you and there is no guarantee of maintenance except by your own effort. You must therefore get into the system.

Well, my father never told me that. I had to struggle hard, fight my way up against the current - like a salmon. Only to be eaten up in the end - sashimi style! But thank God I survived. It is only by grace that i did.

Then came my children's turn. I made sure that they are on the right track. For years I prepared them well to get them into that system. They got into the right schools. One challenge after another, we found ways round the bends, and of course by grace again - they made it into good universities. Then they came out - ready to get into the system. They finally did! Many admire my children for their accomplishment, not to mention their commendable spirituality - fearing and loving God and adopting the best ethical standard called "humility". Now they are rewarded with job prospect and security, respected by the community around them.

I wasn't so lucky. I did not learn to negotiate with the system. There was no one to teach me. So I thought that I could take on the whole world by myself. Well, I had my days too, but not for long and soon relegating my ambition to God's will instead as I realize that they are beyond human control anyway. But after all - it is not my will but his that counts!

The pros and cons of religious education

Migrating to facebook accounts for my laziness in posting new entries on xanga. I do realize however that there are differences. One is a social forum, discussing things that require little effort in digesting. The beauty is for community building and not so much posting critiques. This explains why facebook is more popular. On the other hand, xanga provides the forum for a more detailed self-expressions not having to be too concerned with who gets to read it. In reality, only those who wants to read my posting will press the button to surf to xanga for an update.

The RF retreat was definitely a turning point in many aspects. For the most part, it could be said to have been a harmonious and relaxed discussions of the past and projecting our thoughts to the future. In reality however, it was much more than just a casual chat, a few meals, and the throwing of a few jokes to polish our conversations. It was a  paradigm shift from the existing practices, a serious attempt to introduce, reintroduce and asserting theological framework to the teachings, a persuasion to return to a more holistic understanding of revival and putting our finger on the Chinese map. It was heavy going, a theological debate in substance, albeit wrapped in love, grace and mercy.

It was certainly a challenge for me. Wrestling with pride on the one hand and a serious fight for truth to prevail on the other. I could be wrong of course. Wrong in my own limited understanding of the truth, or wrong in my approach and attitude and wrong in the agenda. On one view therefore, I knew I could have been presumptuous, arrogant and subjective. I might be right too, but what if I wasn't? In fact, this has become somewhat an issue ever since my first enrollment to read theology. My struggle is how best to suppress my knowledge, hiding it for the best intention or containing possible damage whenever the knowledge slip out of my mouth. I find it ever so hard to strike the right balance between humility and false humility, between pride and hypocrisy, and between love for the truth and room for grace. I wonder how any seminary graduates handles the problem? 

This struggles is unresolved, will remain unresolved from now, until ... God's grace sets in. The struggle is unfortunately, not just with my ministry, but also ...

又一位故人駕乘黃鶴而去。世上新人換舊人，這是不變道理。祇是，這年頭，換人的速度大有越來越快的感覺。回顧故人的一生，本來可以用無憾來結語。故人為社會付出的，是無私的貢獻，於教育，法律和扶植後輩方面，都有值得我們學習和借鏡的一面。而且，故人兒孫滿堂，按照我們中國的習俗，堪稱笑喪。遺憾的是，故人祇有此生，並無永生。我想，故人一生的努力，又於他有何益處呢？

山中只數天，人間已千年。這是我在神學院上課的感覺。雖然祇是數天的時間，但是所學習的卻是千錘百鍊的道理。這樣的訓練叫我水土不服。想想將真理的量尺放在自己身上，很多過去以為對的，今天都成了反省、反思甚至悔改的功課。過去的假設和認定，今天都必須要從新檢討。心中大有『覺今是而作非』的感覺。這是慚愧與興奮之間的交織，糾纏不清。不過，有一樣東西是很清楚的，那就是能夠從一些模糊不清甚至是錯誤的觀念中被釋放出來，這顯然是莫大的恩典。

這個星期又到了交功課的期限，書還沒有看完，是否可以如期完成？咬咬牙，起錨！

豬堅強

不知道為何最近腦海裡經常出現一個名字　－　豬堅強！他是四川彭洲市的一頭豬。2008年四川地震後被發見這頭豬竟然靠本身和吃炭，埋在地下廢墟維持了36天而沒有死掉。當時體重祇有50公斤。大家嘖嘖稱奇。市民也為之感動，呼籲不要殺他。結果活了下來，已返回200公斤的體重。並被封為『豬堅強』，一朝得意，成為了甲級禽獸。

為了弘揚這『草根豬堅強』的精神，全國網友熱捧，並頒發了十大動物冠軍獎牌。後來，更加為了讓草根戰勝金融危機的信心拍了MV。並舉行了甚麼豬堅強大破金融危機的活動。

我想，這是否中國人的所謂黃蓮樹下彈琴，苦中作樂的精神？還是典型亞Ｑ，將悲憤變成豁達的包裝？

終於跟大師兄見了面。前路　－　像迷一般，但卻讓我充滿了希望！感恩！